Friday, May 25, 2012

Post Pregnancy Emotions

I feel like I have been fighting back tears all day. I am not sad at all, I am just so happy all the time that the tears are constantly ready to flow. Here are some things that have made me tear up:
  • Looking at Hunter's dark hair. Starting at our 28 week ultrasound, we knew that Hunter would have hair. At each ultrasound after that, I would ask if they could see if he has hair or not. They would look, say, "yes", and I would be so excited that it seemed to continue to be confirmed. When I was in labor, the nurse told me that she could see his head and she asked if my mom wanted to look. (I had planned on her being in there, but staying at my head because I am a quite modest person.... yeah, you're pretty much just laid out there for everyone to see, so it didn't matter anymore, haha!) I told her that she could go look, and she was so amazed. She told me that she could see his hair, and that it looked like he had a lot and it was dark. THIS. This is something I cried over. I had been dreaming of looking at his little head for 9 months, and you could finally see it... with your eyes! Now, when I look at his little head, all of those moments of dreaming and wondering, I can now rub his little head and comb his dark brown hair. After all of the dreaming of what color it would be, it's exactly what I secretly hoped for. 
  • Looking at Hunter's umbilical cord. I am not gonna lie, the thing grosses me out. I am ready for it to fall off, but this is the lifeline that held him to me for 10 months. He played with it in the womb, it nourished him and made sure that he was taken care of. And now, the only remainder of that link is getting ready to fall off. 
  • Seeing Hunter's tiny toes and hands. These things used to kick and punch me until I would almost tap my belly and scold him. And here they are. The cutest little feet and toes and fingers and hands that I have ever seen.

  • My belly.... or lack thereof. This morning, Tim saw me curled up on the couch and looked at me funny. He said, "I haven't seen you do that in a while". Then it occurred to me that it is because I don't have a hard beach ball belly anymore. I hadn't been able to bend very much at all because of the hard, huge belly that I had grown. This makes me sad.... and I don't know why. I just miss having my belly. Maybe its because I heard, "Look how cute of a pregnant lady you are!" on a daily basis from coworkers (and some strangers!). Maybe I liked keeping Hunter close to me at all times. I had him to myself. I could feel his hiccups and kicks. He wasn't getting germy hands all over him. I was protecting him, and now it is so much harder to do that!
  • Knowing that he is one week old. I am still trying to remember and savor every moment of my pregnancy. How hard we tried, and for so long. Being sick, heartburn shooting up my throat and waking me up, swollen feet. Seeing ultrasounds, putting together his nursery. The way the hospital room smelled, the amazing nurse we had, the fear and excitement rolled into one.The first night where he was so well, and the next one where he cried all night. I want to remember it all, because now time is flying by faster than I ever thought possible. The days blur together from sleepless nights, and I can tell he is already a little chubbier than before. Can you imagine how fast it's going to go when I start work again?
Basically, I am just one big sappy lady these past few days, and I need to pull myself out of it!

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