Ever since I found out that I am pregnant, I am scared that it will be taken away from me. We tried for so long, that it is really hard to believe that this is my new reality. I also think that I have become come down with Pregnancy Hypochondria. If I hear of something happening to a friend, or a family member, or someone from the great wide world of Google, I automatically am fearful that I will be the next. At every ultrasound, I am always asking what sound like stupid questions in order to make sure that Hunter is still doing well. What do I ask?
- How is my amniotic fluid level? I had a friend who was put on bed rest because she had really low levels the whole pregnancy.
- The answer? You look good. You know? Amniotic fluid levels are not contagious.
- Does he have a nasal bone? I read that if they don't, then there is a super high risk for Down's Syndrome. (Yes, we did have the testing done before I asked this.....)
- Is is ok that he is all curled up like that in there?
- Is there enough room for him to stretch out at all?
- How come I'm not gaining weight?
- Did you say your looking at the gourd?
- The answer? No, I said I'm looking at his CORD. Your baby does not have a gourd.
- Is he moving around enough?
- Is he moving too much? Is there a chance that he can mess up his umbilical cord or placenta?
I know right? I sound like a bumbling idiot.
As much as I want to believe that everything will be ok, and that in 4 more months we will have a healthy, happy baby boy.... I also feel like I can't be that lucky. So, in the meantime, I listen to his heartbeat on our home doppler (not too much, don't want to hurt him!), stare at the gallery of ultrasounds taped to the fridge, and feel for his sweet kicks in my belly.
Real Pregnancy Feeling #2: Excitement/Disbelief
When I found out that I was pregnant, I almost couldn't believe it. You know when you want something so bad, but don't get it, you just imagine what life with that 'thing' would be like? That is how pregnancy was for me. I would see people who were pregnant, and wonder what it was like to have a belly, or be sensitive to smells, or feel kicks from the inside, buy maternity clothes, give birth.
When I saw the first set of faint pink lines, I really thought it must be faulty. Faulty something, my eyes or the test! As the weeks ticked by, I started to believe it. I found out at 4 weeks, but couldn't go to the doctor until 7 weeks. I was so sure that when I got there, she would say, "Nope, no baby". But instead, I heard, "Let's hear the heartbeat", and it was amazing.
One day, I was walking through Target and passed some pregnancy tests. As I walked by, its like I was sent back in time and remember how I felt as I bought that magical digital test. Walking through Walgreens, afraid to smile too silly-like, but unable to contain it. I thought I was going to burst. Reading the word 'pregnant' on the test stick was surreal. God had finally deemed me worthy to carry one of his little angels. I know that's not how it works, but in my head, all those 20 months of trying.... in God's eyes, I just wasn't ready for this journey.... but now? He trusts me. Again, I know that's not how it works. I have a friends who have tried for so long, and they are so ready. But in my not pregnant head, I guess I had to rationalize it.
When he kicks my belly, I almost can't think straight. If he starts when I am at home, I will lay down almost immediately to watch and feel him.
Tim and I recently registered at Babies R Us, and it brought us one step closer to the finish line! As Tim and I talked about strollers, car seats, and pacifiers; I almost had to catch my breath. We are over halfway to meeting the little man that will change our lives most certainly for the better. I never thought the day would come when we test drove strollers, or when we would assess which color of crib sheets we would like to get; yet, there we were.
*Also, let me tell you how much in love I felt with hubby after watching him stroll around with an empty car seat to see if he liked how it feels in his hands. Yes, please.
Anyways, I guess those are the feelings I am dealing with on a day-to-day basis. As I type, Hunter kicks, and I am going to go enjoy it :)
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